NEWS FLASH: EU PROPOSES NEW ENGLISH SPELLING
London, 10/7/97, 7:14 a.m.

    The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan to what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

    In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." This will make English konform to German, a more proper language. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

    By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v." Vuns again mor in konformans wiz German.

    During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "ou," and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

    After ze fifz yer, we wil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!