IN DEFENSE OF UNDERWATER EDUCATION

By Doc Turtle

It has been ignorantly posited by some that education in the schools under the sea is somehow substandard. This is in no small part due to the foolish words of a little girl named Alice, whose encounter with me has been poorly related to untold numbers of intelligent, right thinking people. However, the schools under the sea are by no means worse than other schools despite their obscurity to the public.

For example, my coursework as a young turtle included first of all the complex but enjoyable subject called Reeling. In this class, our tortoise (so called because he taught us) helped us uncover and understand the greatness of such classics as Palace in Underland, where a brittle pearl with a hat from China has many strange adventures with a bad ladder at the March Fair in Underland, and also Maggot Rick, about a fly who, despite being homeless, comes of age. In my opinion, however, the greatest was What Katydid, a work of non-fiction which was about obscure insects in the Northeast United States.

Another exciting and challenging subject was Arithmetic, where we learned about such spectacular things as ambition, which is what happens when you put hard work and perseverance together to get a sum-thing that you desire, or Distraction, where if someone is paying attention, you do your best to take it away. There’s also uglification. One problem we did involved taking a tree and beating with a bat three times. After we beat the tree three times, we decided it was mine. I think the funnest part, however, was Derision, where you might take a slumberer, and you deride him into a motion.

My favorite course, was Mystery, where we learned about great crime riddles of the past. For example, we learned about a murderer named “A Killer the Nun,” whose killing spree spanned two or three countries in Asia. He was almost as feared as the great

“Seize-Her” who kidnapped people all around the Mediterranean Sea until he was caught by an immature detective named “Constant-teen.”

We also learned Seaography, which is the study of such wonderful things as fountains, which are some of the tallest things anywhere under the water. The tallest of all is known as Fount Wetterest, which towers almost to the water’s surface. The second tallest, and most dangerous is of course the mighty Fount Sushi, whose violent eruptions have claimed the lives of many fish!

Under the sea in other schools, there are more grand opportunities. Some schools follow the classical method of education and mainly teach you Laughing and Grief, during which classes a student might have a chance to study such works as the “Ill lad,” or the “Odd-to-see.” Usually only the cleverest attend such schools, and they are usually very expensive.

A typical day in an underwater school doesn’t exist, for each day is different. To begin with, there are all the different subjects, but what’s more, the length of each day is different. For example, the first day, classes last for 10 hours, the next day only 9, and so on, hence the name “lesson,” for the number of hours lessens. The aforementioned defamer of underwater education whose version of my story is now very popular assumed (poorly) that the 11^th day and following we’d have no classes, but the inattentive person that she was, she failed to realize that we also study “morals,” the next 10 days, where there are more hours each day until we return to 10. Professors who arrange their lessons well over these alternating 10-day periods receive “ten-ure.”

As you can see, our schools rank with the best of schools above the surface of the water, but we have been given a terrible reputation by an inattentive and judgmental little girl, who attends schools on the land.

Those schools, however, are ludicrous indeed. I gleaned from this silly girl’s story that her classes begin each day with a recitation by a volunteer, who is then punished by the teacher if they poorly recite. That is scary indeed, especially since, after hearing this girl recite ‘Tis the Voice of the Sluggard, I imagined that she is punished quite often.

She also told me of a bee in her classrooms that forces the children to spell words, and if they fail to do so correctly, they have to sit down. Such public humiliation is inhumane, and could not possibly be beneficial to learning, not to mention there is always the possibility that the bee will sting the students, and that type of danger would never be allowed in our schools. There’s no such thing as a “Spelling Barracuda.” How ludicrous!

I also learned that they don’t even study arithmetic. They call it “Math,” which is a huge misnomer, because everyone knows that math is the set of legendary stories which descend from antiquity and ancient civilizations. Their arithmetic, however, is completely foolish, because they don’t even use the simple systems aforementioned in this treatise. They have something they call algebra, in which they use letters to equal numbers (imagine that, just when it seemed their education could get no worse). She told me, for example, that if you had x and added 3 to it and it equaled 8, then x must equal 5. Even more ridiculous, they have some instances in which letters even equal letters! If a equals b, they say, and b equals c, then a must equal c. How dreadfully dull they are, for everyone knows that that isn’t true; if it was, then ACT and CAT would be the same word, and they obviously are not.

Finally, our schools here under the sea must be evaluated by the great crop of incredible minds that they yield. I, for example, am a responsible, thoughtful, and gifted man. This young lady, however, is presumptuous, shallow, and rude. She reported in her story that when she found me that I was very sorrowful, sobbing, crying, and sad, and that I was rude to her for her nosiness. While I most certainly did NOT appreciate her questions, I was not sorrowful. If she were educated as well as she claimed, she would know that for turtles, especially educated ones, thinking deeply is a natural thing, and sometimes in our thoughts we get so caught up that we begin breathing hard, and sometimes our eyes even water, so obviously I was not sad.

In addition to this, this young lady in her story had the nerve to refer to me as a “mock turtle” when I very clearly introduced myself as Doc Turtle, thereby telling her that I had the most prestigious degree possible in our incredible underwater education systems. Her false representation did not end their either, but she demonstrated either poor abilities in art or a lack of concern for accuracy. This represents yet one more fault in her “lessons.”

It is obvious from the herein contained points that despite the silly misrepresentations of a little girl named Alice that our schools are able to stand up to even the strictest of scrutiny. We are well educated here under the sea, and deserve to be spoken of as such. I therefore present this treatise in defense of a worthy education system, in contrast to the watered down education system which produces such strange deviants as this Alice. It is my sincere hope that this systematic defense will be read by people above the surface in their schools, and that they will also decide to reform their practices, in the hopes that the next little girl I meet has a more sound education.

THE END